BOZEMAN, MT – According to all who have noticed him, the guy sitting and playing guitar underneath the big tree in the Montana State University quad is not as cool as he thinks he is.

CHICAGO, IL – A recent article in The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) has provided the clearest link between the rise of MRSA infections and the increase in popularity of Justin Bieber.

SEATTLE, WA – With the enormous success of the video game Rock Band, MTV Games has announced plans to extend the video game line with the addition of at least two news games scheduled to release this yea

IRVING, TEXAS – The Boy Scouts of America have retired two merit badges the organization has deemed “impossible to obtain.” The badges to be removed from availability are the Talking to Girls and Popular merit badges.

SILVER SPRINGS, MD – Even after 30 years, local atheist Jon Weaver is still complaining about Christmas. Weaver, an atheist since a young age, spends much of his December annoyed by all things Christmas related.

BERKLEY, CA – Three major gasoline companies gave in to pressure from local protestors this week and lowered gas prices by 15 cents. This marks the first time that gas companies have ever reduced the price of gas because of protests.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a response to lawsuits filled against music downloaders, one million people filled a joint lawsuit against 200 musicians and several major record labels for breach of contract stating a failure to deliver promised goods. The lawsuit was filled in the Los Angeles County court by a group calling themselves the People Against One-Hit Wonders.

NEW YORK, NY – Taking advantage of an advertised special, singer Christina Aguilera received a free car stereo with the purchase of a new pair of breast implants. Aguilera made the decision to increase her bust size shortly after seeing a newspaper advertisement announcing the special.

LOS ANGELES, CA – The war of words between current Rap bestseller Eminem and former President of the United States Jimmy Carter escalated this week as both released new singles taking verbal jabs at the other.

UNION BEACH, NJ – A compact disc, compiled of various songs by Joshua Kilm, was given to his girlfriend Jessica Wills last Thursday. After sampling the CD Wills realized there was more to the song selection than Kilm had originally admitted.