SANTA FE, NM – A recent survey conducted by the University of New Mexico has discovered 75% of art labeled as “Native American Art” is made by white men with ponytails.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – If ratings don’t improve network executives say they may be forced to cancel The Donald Trump Presidency.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In response to a number of negative books about him and his time as President, Donald Trump will publish his own book that he says he has written himself “on the very best paper and using the best coloring stick pencil things.”

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has pulled its new Measure app from iPhones and iPads after thousands of men complain the app does not accurately measure the length of their penises.

OMAHA, NB – Local man Dean Waters, 27, is suing 10-year-old Lara Schriber for gender discrimination because Waters was not invited to Schriber’s “girls only” sleepover.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hoping to win back white, male Star Wars fans, Disney is releasing a new edit of The Last Jedi with all non-white, male characters removed.

NEW YORK, NY – A new line of pants will be hitting stores later this month that will appeal to a large group of males from all walks of life.

MEMPHIS, TN – As tensions between police officers and civilians rise across the country, the National Association of Police Organizations (NAPO) is recommending that police officers begin shooting more white people.

“A lot of the tension is racially based, with the perception that police officers shoot minorities more often than white people,” said NAPO spokesman Eddie O’Reilly.

WASHINGTON, DC – After reviewing reports of recent setbacks, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, has said he will soon authorize the use of troops and drones in the party’s war on women.

“No single battle has been a catastrophic loss but as these little failures start to pile up… women begin gaining confidence and we simply cannot have that,” said Priebus.