WASHINGTON, D.C. – On the last day of session last month, the United States Supreme Court ruled against laws restricting sodomy, or as it is more commonly known, butt fucking, causing wide celebrations across the country. Mile long parades and all night parties were held in San Francisco, Miami and Salt Lake City to celebrate the courts decision.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Well my faithful readers it’s that time of year again. It’s that special time of year when a young man’s fancy turns to romance, the birds and the bees come out to join in their hedonistic dance and the stars of Hollywood come out, though not literally, to give themselves pats on the back. Yep, you guessed it. It’s Oscar time. And let me tell you, I’m as giddy as a virgin on prom night, which for the record I wasn’t, but that’s a whole other story. This truly is a special time of year. Right after the cocaine like high of the Grammys we barely get down when we get to feel the euphoric heroin high that is Hollywood’s night of nights.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Homeland Security convened late last month to reevaluate the Terror Alert Scale due to widespread confusion among the American public. At the close of the meeting a new scale had been created which its creators hope will be much easier for the general public to understand.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In an effort to “update their image,” several well known religious figures made surprise guest appearances last week on the Jenny Jones Show for a segment entitled “Righteous Makeovers.” During the show, Jesus Christ, Buddha, Vishnu and Mohammed each took turns with hair stylists and fashion consultants, each hoping the new looks will help them come across to a new generation of worshipers that are more in tune with the world of high fashion.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Mandalay Resort Group released plans and designs this week for a new, extravagant casino along the Las Vegas strip called Jesus Christ!: Hotel and Casino. Modeled after ancient Jerusalem, the hotel and casino’s theme will be that of Jesus’ life, most specifically his death.