WASHINGTON, D.C. – Promising change, Barack Obama won the presidency last year, and taking office this month, Obama has already issued several major changes to the United States which have many Caucasian-Americans concerned.

CHARLOTTESVILLE, OH – Manufacturers are working feverishly on an upgrade to the software installed in the SkyNet Cyborg model XX1331, more commonly referred to as Governor Sarah Palin. The Republican Party is putting pressure on SkyNet to resolve a number of issues as the party is becoming less and less happy with its recent purchase of a Palin.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of the stagnant economy and the upcoming presidential election, current President George W. Bush has announced a new economic package that will give every American that casts a vote for John McCain a $1,000 tax refund check.

CLEVELAND, OH – A local woman has told her co-workers that she understands, better than anyone else she knows, the current crisis in Kenya because her friend’s nanny is from South Africa.

SEATTLE, WA – Due to a lack of quality retail space in several of America’s larger markets, Starbucks will begin a new expansion strategy that will open new Starbucks coffee shops inside existing Starbucks. The new Starbucks stores will be smaller than existing ones but will offer a full menu.

WASHINTON, D.C. – In a controversial ruling, the United States Supreme Court eased legislation to allow companies more freedom when advertising products and services including allowing for statements that are not proven true.

WASHINGTON, DC – The Bush administration is celebrating a major milestone this month with its 1,000th scandal and to celebrate, some of Bush’s advisers are planning a special surprise for the American public.

WASHINGTON, DC – With faith in their government at an all time low, the American people have elected a new party to take lead of Congress – The Klingon National Assembly. This marks the first time in the history of the United States that a third party, let alone one consisting entirely of a violent alien race, has been a majority in either the House of Representatives or the Senate.

NEW YORK, NY – According to a recent poll, for the first time in almost 30 years losing weight is not among the top 10 New Years resolutions for Americans. The poll, conducted by People Magazine, included 750,000 Americans from all over the country, and shockingly the number one response was “Have more sex.”

WASHHINGTON, D.C. – Almost a year after suffering tremendous losses in both state and federal government seats, the Democratic Party announced that it might have just maybe figured out a possible platform. Possibly.