NORTH POLE – After testing positive for COVID-19, Santa Claus has been receiving a controversial new treatment that includes the souls of 450 children, among other ingredients, to help Claus recover from the deadly disease.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to multiple sources within the White House, President Trump has been hiding in a bunker since Halloween after he reported seeing “a ghost.”

SEATTLE, WA – After months of trying, local Jazz enthusiast Dereck Shoemaker has been unable to convince his girlfriend that listening to jazz music is enjoyable.

WILMINGTON, DE – Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been taking dance lessons to learn the Macarena in an effort to appeal to America’s Latino youth.

RICHMOND, VA – None of the attendees on the weekly Dorchester International sales call have accepted responsibility for the audible fart heard during last week’s video conference call.

NEW YORK, NY – Facing an overworked healthcare system due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is calling on any actor or actress that has ever appeared in a movie, TV show, or play as a medical professional to report to their closest hospital to treat patients.

DALLAS, TX – A local sports fan, Derrick Browdirt, has found himself unable to communicate with other males due to the cancellation of all sports and sporting events during the COVID-19 pandemic.

OMAHA, NB – A local man has spent the last several hours trying, with limited success, to explain to his friend why listening to music on a vinyl record is better than streaming online.

LITTLE ROCK, AR – Nearly all passengers in a minivan headed towards the Atlantic coast have complained about the music selections made during the road trip.

DALLAS, TX – Local father John Mansinni is slowly coming to terms with the fact that his son, John Jr, is a terrible athlete.