COLORADO CITY, AZ – According to local reports, polygamists in the small town of Colorado City are not looking forward to the Valentines Day holiday. With several males in the town taking more than one wife, the holiday has been expensive and time consuming for these same men in years past.

TACOMA, WA – A sweltering heat wave across the Pacific Northwest has left 109 snowmen dead and another 24 in serious condition. In the last week alone, 17 snowmen have been reduced to puddles in the state of Washington.

NEW YORK, NY – The current economic crisis has hit one group of Americans particularly hard as the richest one percent of the country can now barely afford a third or fourth house.

ST LOUIS, MO – In a move that is both financially and ethically motivated, hospital administrators in Missouri have decided to begin screening patients for moral values and basing treatment options on the outcomes of those screenings.

WASHHINGTON, D.C. – Almost a year after suffering tremendous losses in both state and federal government seats, the Democratic Party announced that it might have just maybe figured out a possible platform. Possibly.

PHOENIX, AZ – With the recent rash of deaths of homeless and infirm peoples due to heat throughout the Southwest, some people are taking to the streets and demanding that Mother Nature end the heat wave.

TALLAHASSE, FL – Two children have retained legal council in an effort to reintroduce a water bottle into the cage of the children’s pet hamster Mr. Snugglebottoms. The parents of the two children removed the water bottle two days ago after declaring Mr. Snugglebottoms deceased.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the debate about the future of Social Security reaching a boiling point, President Bush announced a new plan late last week that was immediately accepted by both parties.

PORTLAND, OR – In a demonstration against the American government and the election process, 18-year-old Jerold “Skinner” Watoski, decided not vote for any of the available Presidential candidates and instead wrote in his own candidate. Watoski, who describes himself as an “Anarchist,” wrote the name of rock-group Good Charlotte on his ballot with a marker that Watoski had snuck into the voting booth.

BAGHBAD, IRAQ – With the deadline to transfer control of Iraq looming closer, President George W. Bush told the United Nations on June 15 that a suitable new Government has finally been found.