WASHINGTON D.C., – Although severe cases and hospitalizations have decreased in recent months, scientists are the Center for Disease Control (CDC) say that COVID is still a valid excuse to not see relatives at Thanksgiving.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A new study from a team of researchers at Stanford University has found that a large majority of single men remain single because they are “dipshits.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – To incentivize reluctant employees to return to the office, companies are offering new in-office only perks like on-site clowns, monthly balloon parties, new glory holes, and free shrimp cocktail.

NEW YORK, NY – To combat falling testosterone levels in American, white males, Fox News personality Tucker Carlson recommends drinking bull semen.

DENVER, CO – As mask mandates across the country are lifted, many Americans are finding it more difficult to identify jerks.

HEAVEN – After returning from vacation and seeing the state of Earth, God has promised to never again put his kids in charge while he is away.

BOULDER, CO – Local man, Matt Crellio, has revealed to coworkers that in addition to being an expert in virology he is also an expert in foreign policy with specific focus on Russia.

NASHVILLE, TN – Country singer Glenn Coventry is considering posting a video of himself using the N-word to boost record sales for his new album.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to a recent poll, the number of Americans that just can’t anymore is at an all-time high.

NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has announced that he will no longer accept children’s Christmas lists that contain Ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, or Z-pack.