UPLAND, CA -In what doctors are reporting as a medical breakthrough, 15-year-old Rachelle Bremerton has said a complete sentence for the first time in three years.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Holy freaking guacamole you guys! It has been, like, forever since I was last able to grace your eye holes with my everlasting words of wisdom!

NEW YORK, NY – Beyoncé has delighted her fans with a surprise release of a new 17-minute song called “Where the Hell Are My Damn Keys?”

NORTH POLE – After a year in which there was only one “nice” child, Santa Claus says he will officially retire from delivering toys to children on Christmas Eve.

NASHVILLE – Local country singer Johnny Thunder is reportedly having trouble finding a word that rhymes with America that he hasn’t already used.

CLEVELAND, OH – Responding to political pressure, the Cleveland Indians baseball team has changed its mascot from a Native American to a man from India.

IQALUIT, Canada – Inuit people, also known as Eskimos, have more than more than 50 words to describe snow but thanks to rising temperatures and they have been working to create 50 words to describe heat.

“We never needed a word for the not cold because it doesn’t get not cold here. We have words for fire and cooking and what you feel when you rub a penis and vagina together, but we had nothing for the concept of not cold as related to weather,” said Inuit Elder Ma’hai Kunik.

AUSTIN, TX – The nephews of all Austin residents called earlier asking if there was any place they could crash this weekend because their bands are playing behind the Safeway as part of the South by Southwest Music Festival (SXSW).

WASHINGTON, DC – During the State of the Union address last month President Obama made a number of statements reflecting on the past year and made a number of promises looking ahead.

BUFFALO, NY – After several years of attempting to destroy Buffalo, New York, Mother Nature has asked the city’s population what it will take to get rid of the city once and for all.