Compensation List Released for Abuses Against Women
Published February 2006KANSAS CITY, MO – The National Organization of Women, NOW, has released a list of compensations a woman should receive for varying acts of abuse. The list, which was made public last week details what a woman should receive if her husband/boyfriend/sibling/father abuses her either physically or mentally.
Father Time Denies Fathering 12 Illegitimate Children
Published December 2005SPACE, TIME – Earlier this week Father Time responded to reports that he has fathered at least 12 illegitimate children with nine different mothers over the last quarter century by saying simply “Hell no, I ain’t their daddy.”
U.S. Econmic Crisis 2005: Rich Can't Afford Third House
Published October 2005NEW YORK, NY – The current economic crisis has hit one group of Americans particularly hard as the richest one percent of the country can now barely afford a third or fourth house.
Hospitals Implement Morality Tests To Admit "Good People" First
Published October 2005ST LOUIS, MO – In a move that is both financially and ethically motivated, hospital administrators in Missouri have decided to begin screening patients for moral values and basing treatment options on the outcomes of those screenings.
Beth Sinclair: This Year's Hot Spring Break Tips, Tricks
Published February 2005HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hey kiddies, Beth here and oh my, how the months have been coming quickly as of late. Just like me! I’m serious, if someone even touches me I pop like a Champaign bottle. But enough about my little foibles. It seems like just last month that I was freezing my tits off, trying to find a special someone to warm me up – inside and out. But now the snows have thawed and my young nubile mind has turned to other, more serious thoughts.
"Five-Second Rule" Wrong
Published September 2004COLLEGE PARK, MD – A recently concluded study is causing waves in the food industry as scientists at the University of Maryland have discovered that despite commonly held beliefs, food dropped on the floor is not free of germs, dirt or bacteria if picked up within five seconds.
Aliens to Phase Out Abductions, Probings
Published March 2002NEW YORK CITY, NY – In an announcement made from the steps of the United Nations building, representatives of seven alien races have stated that they have put an immediate stop to all human abductions and anal probing. The proclamation is the result of recent allegations that the aliens have in fact learned everything they can about the human body and the intricacies of the human digestive tract.
Miss Nude World 1971 Comes Out of Retirement
Published October 2001PENSACOLA, FL – Nude Miss World legend, Bunny McTitties, shocked and excited the pageant world by announcing an end to her retirement and revealing plans to return full time to posing nude. McTitties retired at the age of 45 in 1971 after five consecutive Miss Nude titles and remains the all time winningest Miss Nude with 10 total titles.
McDonald's Forced to Layoff Two
Published September 2001LINDENWOLD, NJ – As the economy continues to struggle, more and more companies are facing difficult cut backs in order to maintain operations. This week, fast food giant McDonald’s announced it too would be forced to layoff employees.
Tattoo Sends Student on Rampage
Published July 2001AMES, IA – Approximately 20 minutes after applying a temporary tattoo, 9-yerar-old Joshua Kelley went on what witnesses describe as “a thug-like rampage of destruction and complete disregard for his fellow students.”