WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a new rule that requires companies to add a statement on product packaging declaring if the souls of children were used in a product.

ATLANTA, GA – Southwest Airlines has announced a three-pronged plan for addressing the large number of flight cancelations the airline has made in recent weeks.

NORTH POLE – To help offset his carbon footprint, Santa Claus has announced that he has converted his sleigh from reindeer power to electric power.

PORTLAND, OR – A local 22-year-old woman admits she did not vote in the recent election despite having every intention of doing so.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to a recent poll, the number of Americans that just can’t anymore is at an all-time high.

WINTERLAND – Old Man Winter’s family and friends are concerned that his recent erratic behavior may be due to cognitive decline or drug abuse.

NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has announced that he will no longer accept children’s Christmas lists that contain Ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, or Z-pack.

NEW YORK, NY – Former superhero and the smartest man in the world, Adrian Veidt, also known as Ozymandias, admitted to engineering and releasing the COVID-19 virus in an effort to bring the people of earth together.

BOCA RATON, FL – Scientist have traced climate change, specifically global warming, to a grandmother’s thermostat in Florida.

HILO, HI – Astronomers at the W. M. Keck Observatory have discovered a planet capable of supporting life orbiting a nearby star that humans could “definitely ruin.”