Tinder Expanding User Profiles to Include Blood Type and Organ Health
Published August 2024 0 Comments | Share:
To attract vampires and organ harvesters, Tinder will expand user profiles to include blood type and organ heath.
LOS ANGELES, CA – The popular dating app Tinder is planning on expanding to a new market by allowing users to list their blood type and organ health within the app.
Tinder is hoping to attract new users, such as vampires and black market organ sellers, that may have interests meeting people but not necessarily dating.
“We had to be real and admit that dating is not a growth market,” said CEO of Tinder, Lazlo Blaine. “Especially with the birth rate declining over the last decade. In a couple years there will be less and less people that are looking to bang so… we needed to find a new market. And we did. There will always be weirdos that think they are vampires and want to drink other people’s blood and organ harvesting is huge right now, especially with health care costs.”
When setting up or editing their profiles, users will now have the option to enter their blood type and organ health. That data can then be searched by vampires or organ harvesters.
“When you think about it, this was the next logical evolution of Tinder,” said Tinder Lead Developer, Tim Gredet. “People were already using (Tinder) for these reasons, but now, it’s even easier to find exactly what you need or want. Let’s say that you have a hankering for some O+ blood. Before, you would have to get lucky and hope that the person you matched with would have what you need. That lead to a lot of wasted times. Now, it’s as easy as can be.”
Vampires and organ harvesters are excited by the announcement as currently there are no dating apps that cater to vampires and organ harvesters.
“Never before have ve been catered to like this, blah,” said Count David Cornett, Tulsa, OK. “I have been a vampire for five years and it is alvays a pain to hook up vith the right victim… I mean person. Blah. Ve creatures of the night, vill be able to put everything right out there on Front Street, as the kids say. Blah. I vill tell right avay if a person is villing to get sucked off, and I vill be more than villing to provide the sucking. Blah.”
Many existing Tinder users are intrigued by the new, planned features but are concerned about safety.
“I’m good with, like, telling someone that I’m B+ and my lungs are, like, pristine, but… how do we know that the person that might harvest my organs isn’t, like, a total creeper,” said Tinder user, Tiffani Weren. “I mean, like, what kind of protections are Tinder gonna have, you know? Like… I have a 100% no creep vibe and it’s gonna be locked like that. Yeah, I know I have two kidneys but I don’t want some perv matching with me strictly to get in my kidneys. I have, like, standards. If some dude wants a piece of this, he needs to at least buy me dinner. And, like, I mean a really expensive dinner. I’m not going to give up parts of my body for, like, Olive Garden. Though I will admit that I’ve sucked dick to get some Cane’s Sauce from Raising Cane’s before. But that’s, like, totally different.”
The new features in the app are being tested now, and are expected to go live site wide by the end of September.
Comments