BLOOMINGTON, IN – A city sanitation employee is refusing to perform all assigned tasks based on is stated religious beliefs.

MEMPHIS, TN – A woman on the 33 bus wants to know “what she say?”

NASHVILLE – Local country singer Johnny Thunder is reportedly having trouble finding a word that rhymes with America that he hasn’t already used.

RENO, NV – A presentation about water conservation was delivered awkwardly to local business owners.

AUSTIN, TX – The nephews of all Austin residents called earlier asking if there was any place they could crash this weekend because their bands are playing behind the Safeway as part of the South by Southwest Music Festival (SXSW).

SILVER SPRINGS, MD – Friends said they were shocked and saddened when they discovered a Budweiser beer in the refrigerator of Cammie Wenshaw, indicating a new and likely bad relationship.

PORTLAND, OR – The much anticipated and celebrated 600th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.

PORTLAND, OREGON  A massage therapist that works in the downtown area thinks that everyone should be gluten, sugar, egg, soy, fat and dairy free primarily because he is sick of people farting during sessions.

PINE BLUFF, AR – Local man James Freeny made a New Year’s resolution that he never intended to keep.

Anchorage, AK – For the third straight year, former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has asked Santa Clause for a resurrection of her relevance as her Christmas gift.

PLEASANTVILLE, WISCONSIN – In their monthly newsletter Pleasantville Community College announced the launching of a new curriculum — Vocational Certificate in Careers of Sexuality.

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Confused as to why minorities continue to live in Florida, the Florida State government has announced that it will be more direct in it’s efforts to make minorities feel unwelcome in the state.

SIOUX FALLS, ND – Friends and family of Evan Brouwer are concerned about Brouwer’s sexuality and self image after his recent purchase of a Volkwagen Jetta.

WOODSTOCK, NY – Local Hippies are no longer able to remain unaware of the current geopolitical climate and have begun to give up on peace.

SILVERLAKE, CA – Friends of Dillon “Dilly” Feinberg were disappointed to discover that he actually likes things that are popular for un-ironic reasons.

Local man Reuben Accote is said to be very confused after masturbating to an Olympic Fencing match.

FREDERICK, VA – Attendees of a current training course for Food and Drug Administration Inspectors agree that the trainer of the course has spent far too much time discussing personal issues.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – The footage for the 900 million dollar movie “Touching Orion’s Belt,” was lost as the spacecraft that filmed the movie caught fire while traveling through Earth’s atmosphere.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – The much anticipated and celebrated 500th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.

BOULDER, CO – A local community college student and self proclaimed “huge pothead” has been sitting in his apartment for the past 20 minutes, patiently waiting for the time to reach 4:20 pm.