Presentation Delivered Awkwardly

RENO, NV – A presentation about water conservation was delivered awkwardly to local business owners.

Nephews Looking for a Place to Crash for SXSW

AUSTIN, TX – The nephews of all Austin residents called earlier asking if there was any place they could crash this weekend because their bands are playing behind the Safeway as part of the South by Southwest Music Festival (SXSW).

Budweiser in Fridge Reveals Bad Relationship

SILVER SPRINGS, MD – Friends said they were shocked and saddened when they discovered a Budweiser beer in the refrigerator of Cammie Wenshaw, indicating a new and likely bad relationship.

Newspaper's 600th Story Doesn't Live Up to Hype

PORTLAND, OR – The much anticipated and celebrated 600th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.

Massage Therapist Tries to Ignore Farts

PORTLAND, OREGON  A massage therapist that works in the downtown area thinks that everyone should be gluten, sugar, egg, soy, fat and dairy free primarily because he is sick of people farting during sessions.

Man Makes Resolution with No Intent to Keep It

PINE BLUFF, AR – Local man James Freeny made a New Year’s resolution that he never intended to keep.

Sarah Palin Asks Santa Clause for Relevance

Anchorage, AK – For the third straight year, former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has asked Santa Clause for a resurrection of her relevance as her Christmas gift.

Community College Offering Sexuality Classes

PLEASANTVILLE, WISCONSIN – In their monthly newsletter Pleasantville Community College announced the launching of a new curriculum — Vocational Certificate in Careers of Sexuality.

Florida to Be More Direct With Racism

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Confused as to why minorities continue to live in Florida, the Florida State government has announced that it will be more direct in it’s efforts to make minorities feel unwelcome in the state.

Family Concerned After Man’s Jetta Purchase

SIOUX FALLS, ND – Friends and family of Evan Brouwer are concerned about Brouwer’s sexuality and self image after his recent purchase of a Volkwagen Jetta.

Hippies Can No Longer Achieve Ignorant Bliss

WOODSTOCK, NY – Local Hippies are no longer able to remain unaware of the current geopolitical climate and have begun to give up on peace.

Hipster Admits Honest Feelings About Stuff

SILVERLAKE, CA – Friends of Dillon “Dilly” Feinberg were disappointed to discover that he actually likes things that are popular for un-ironic reasons.

Man Regrets Masturbating to Olympic Event

Local man Reuben Accote is said to be very confused after masturbating to an Olympic Fencing match.

Trainer Keeps Talking About Personal Issues

FREDERICK, VA – Attendees of a current training course for Food and Drug Administration Inspectors agree that the trainer of the course has spent far too much time discussing personal issues.

$900 Million Movie Footage Destroyed

HOLLYWOOD, CA – The footage for the 900 million dollar movie “Touching Orion’s Belt,” was lost as the spacecraft that filmed the movie caught fire while traveling through Earth’s atmosphere.

Newspaper's 500th Story Doesn't Live Up to Hype

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – The much anticipated and celebrated 500th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.

Pothead Patiently Waiting for 4:20

BOULDER, CO – A local community college student and self proclaimed “huge pothead” has been sitting in his apartment for the past 20 minutes, patiently waiting for the time to reach 4:20 pm.

Performance of The Nutcracker “OK”

LONE PINE, AR—Four chairs holding three girls and one boy dressed as mice and cracking pecans set the stage for a production of the Christmas classic, “The Nutcracker” this week. The four children, who made up the entire cast of the production, cracked nuts using dolls for an hour and a half.

Report: Costumes Less Sexy in XXL Size

LINCOLN, NE – A recent poll conducted by the Department of Sociology at the University of Nebraska concludes that sexy Halloween costumes are less sexy in XXL and XXXL sizes.

Local Man Surprised to Hear Libya Still at War

MEMPHIS, TN – A local man was surprised to hear that the internal conflict in Libya has not been resolved. After hearing a friend mention recent violence in Libya, Jerry Noones said “Libya? I thought that was all done with.”

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