STERLING, VA – During a closed meeting in Vatican City last week it was decided the Catholic Church, which has recently been facing both monetary and moral trouble, will be sold in full to the worldwide fast-food chain McDonald’s.

HEAVEN – In a statement to the human race, god apologized for an error in his creation model that generated a higher percentage of male creeps than god had intended.

LOUISVILLE, KY – Mere weeks after their protest of the PGA’s Masters tournament, members of the hate group the Klu Klux Clan have petitioned several local ice cream suppliers this week to remove the flavor chocolate from the popular Neapolitan ice cream.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump is demanding that the training wheels be removed from his bicycle as he is “a big boy that can ride a bike like a big boy.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – As smartphones have become an increasingly important part of our lives some experts are growing concerned we may be developing an addicted to our phones.

DURANGO, CO – The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory spokesbear, Truffles, has announced that she has been diagnosed with diabetes due to a decades-long diet comprised almost exclusively of chocolate.