WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump has installed a new head of his COVID task force – a White House Intern that helped remove a computer virus from the President’s laptop.

PORTLAND, OR – As several states now require people to wear masks to slow the spread of COVID-19, Nike is set to release a new Nike Air Face Mask that will utilize air pump technology to contour the mask to the wearer’s face.

SEATTLE, WA – A new report from Zillow states that “home office” has replaced “sex dungeon” as the number one search phrase entered by users looking for a new home.

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND- The World Health Organization announced Friday that the SARS virus is now the most contagious disease in recorded history. At the time the announcement was made, Cooties was classified as the most contagious followed closely by Pac-Man Fever.

LOUISVILLE, KY – Addressing reporters and hundreds of fans, beloved cartoon actor and chicken rights spokescock Foghorn Leghorn announced today that he had contracted the deadly Avian Flu virus.

ATLANTA, GA – In what is being called the worst epidemic since the SARS outbreak, the nations top scientists are desperately trying to curb the spread of a killer viral infection known as March Madness. The disease, which attacks the central nervous system, has killed 80,000 people across the country with an estimated 20 million people infected.