KYIV, UKRAINE – Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has formally requested military assistance from the world’s largest army – Taylor Swift’s Swifty Army.

WINTERLAND – Old Man Winter’s family and friends are concerned that his recent erratic behavior may be due to cognitive decline or drug abuse.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – As smartphones have become an increasingly important part of our lives some experts are growing concerned we may be developing an addicted to our phones.

MOBILE, AL – In an effort to ensure kids grow up to become successful and that comedy remains funny, parents have been asked to stop telling their children that they are funny.

During a conference aimed at reducing the amount of unfunny and unsuccessful teenagers, the American Society for Child Development, the Comedy Writers Guild of America and the American Association of Psychologists agreed children should not be told they are funny by their parents.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Television actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas has landed the starring role in the next complete Hollywood meltdown.

NEWARK, DE – The American Association of Psychologists has voted to add several new addictions to the accepted resource for mental illness, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

LAS VEGAS, NV – With Las Vegas struggling to attract tourists, the city and its business leaders have begun to make changes that will hopefully bring more people to the city.

PALM BEACH, FL – Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has admitted that he can no longer remember why he hates Democrats, poor people and minorities.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – While the Portland Marathon isn’t until next month, local runner, Jassie Hill won’t stop talking about her preparation and training.

LITTLE ROCK, AR – A local father of two, Edgar Glen, has told his family that he doesn’t see what’s so great or funny about The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.