EPA: Renewable Energy Causes 104,412 Illnesses
Published September 2017“(The EPA) just published a ground breaking report that clearly shows that the renewable energy that the Democrats have been pushing on us for so long is actually the cause of almost every illness that’s out there,” said EPA spokesman Frank Servees.
Trump Signs Order to Limit Number of Words
Published February 2017“Trump is a dumb, dumb person and as such he does not know very many words,” said White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer.
Eskimos Creating 50 Words to Describe “Hot”
Published April 2015IQALUIT, Canada – Inuit people, also known as Eskimos, have more than more than 50 words to describe snow but thanks to rising temperatures and they have been working to create 50 words to describe heat.
“We never needed a word for the not cold because it doesn’t get not cold here. We have words for fire and cooking and what you feel when you rub a penis and vagina together, but we had nothing for the concept of not cold as related to weather,” said Inuit Elder Ma’hai Kunik.
28 Things We Learned from Last Month’s State of the Union
Published January 2015WASHINGTON, DC – During the State of the Union address last month President Obama made a number of statements reflecting on the past year and made a number of promises looking ahead.
Internet 80% Porn, 15% Cats, 4% Mean Comments
Published October 2011CAMBRIDGE, MA – Research conducted at Massachusetts Institute of Technology has concluded that the internet is now 80% pornography, 15% cat videos/pictures and 4% poorly written comments.
“While most of our findings were pretty much exactly what we all thought they would be, the one thing that surprised us is that cat videos and pictures amounted for so little of the internet,” said Research Assistant Geraldine Westerly.
Arizona Will Open Camps to Sort Illegal, Legal Hispanics
Published May 2010GLENDALE, AZ – The state legislature of Arizona has authorized opening several camps where officials will be able to distinguish which Hispanic-looking people are here illegally.
Hot Girls to Replace Alter Boys in Catholic Mass
Published April 2010VATICAN CITY – In an effort to prevent further molestation of young boys by priests in the Catholic Church, the Pope has announced a change to the way mass will be conducted. Young boys will no longer participate in mass and in their place priests will use young, attractive women.
“There willa be ah no morea alter boys inna the church,” said Cardinal Antonio Cassius of Italy.
English Professor Gives Up on His Class
Published February 2010FAYETTEVILLE, AR – University of Arkansas English Professor Oliver Mueller has officially given up on correcting the English his student use in his classroom.
White Guy Gets Chinese Character Tattoo
Published June 2009TAMPA BAY, FL – A local Caucasian man has added a tattoo to his back consisting of several Chinese characters that are supposed to represent the words “extreme” and “radical.”
Study: News Briefs Are Hard To Write
Published February 2009CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study conducted by the Harvard University English Department proves what many Americans have known for years: writing news briefs is difficult.