SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Adult stores across the country are dealing with inventory issues as Americans become vaccinated against COVID-19 and the need for social distancing is rapidly decreasing.

DURANGO, CO – The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory spokesbear, Truffles, has announced that she has been diagnosed with diabetes due to a decades-long diet comprised almost exclusively of chocolate.

DENVER, CO – After recent snowstorms wreaked havoc in cities across the country, God has apologized saying he made the decision to create the winter storms after “half listening to some eight-year-old’s prayer.”

NEW YORK CITY, NY – During a recent interview on the Piers Morgan Tonight television show, God admitted that he responds to celebrity and athlete’s prayers before others – even before his most dedicated followers.

“I’m not going to sit here and lie to you, do I answer the prayers of someone like Johnny Depp or… Phillip Rivers before I answer the prayers from some no-name guy from Arkansas? Yes. Yes I do,” said God.

SANTA FE, NM – Christians are flocking to Santa Fe, to see what some are saying is the image of Jesus Christ that has appeared in a painting of Jesus Christ.

SEDONA, AZ – Only a few weeks after rejecting the endorsement of two controversial preachers, John McCain has announced that he has rejected yet another endorsement from a religious leader. In a public statement, McCain has denounced any connection to Jesus Christ.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Shortly after game seven of the 2002 World Series ended, Jesus Christ made it official; he hates the San Francisco Giants. Despite prayers and sacrifices by both players and fans, Christ punished the Giants and was the cause of their failure to beat cross state rivals the Anaheim Angles.