SEATTLE, WA – Local 17-year-old, Jakob Custors, is commemorating the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s suicide by writing a terrible song.

LOUISVILLE, KY – A Public Relations spokesman for KFC confirmed rumors that company scientists are working to genetically engineer an all-skin chicken for the fast food chain.

SACRAMENTO, CA – After deadly wildfires wreaked havoc in Southern California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in conjunction with the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA, unveiled a plan to stop current fires and eliminate the possibility of future fires. The main focus of the plan is to “remove anything that burns” from the California landscape.

Washington, DC – The Senate has passed President Bush’s new domestic spying legislation which will allow the National Security Agency more freedom in gathering information – specifically from women ages 18-25.

BAGHDAD, IRAQ – The new governing council of Iraq voted unanimously Tuesday to elect a new Prime Minister: former World Wrestling Federation champion Iron Sheik. The decision came as a shock to many but remains consistent with Iraq’s new “get tougher on terrorism” campaign.