WASHINGTON, D.C. – America’s beloved actress, Jennifer Lawrence, has brought peace to the entire Middle East.

“Jennifer Lawrence came here and looked me right in the eye and said that there should be peace so I made peace,” said Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “As much as I want to be true to my people and my country, above all I want to make Jennifer Lawrence happy. She is just a really great girl. She deserves to be happy.”

QUEENS, NY – Local 11-year-old Christian, Bradly Mickleson, wishes he was Jewish so he could celebrate Hanukah and receive gifts for eight consecutive days.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Travel agencies in the Philadelphia metropolitan area have begun offering Facebook vacation packages that give customers the opportunity to experience new and exciting things while still at home but not connected to Facebook in any way.

“Over the last couple years we’ve heard a lot of customers mention how they wish they could just take a vacation away from Facebook,” said travel agent Gloria Lagger.

DALLAS, TX – The man behind a popular Conservative news blog has announced he has proof that President Barack Obama is planning to “blow up” Heaven.

SEATTLE, WA – Developers have released some details of an eagerly anticipated video game, the third part in the best-selling “Geriatric” Series.

ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the FDA in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.

LOS ANGELES, CA – With Halloween right around the corner, costume shops all across the country are stocking up on what are anticipated to be this year’s most popular costumes.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the Republicans begins picking their Presidential candidate, one person is very rapidly becoming the front-runner: the Roman god of wealth.

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA – The hijacking of a ship containing 23 goats, three Michael Jackson look-a-likes, 107 boxes of “Dancing With The Stars” DVDs and a British Couple has caused an international incident.

MCDONALD CITY, MCDONALDLAND- Violence has escalated in the capital city of McDonaldland as millions have taken to the streets protesting the government and calling for the removal of Mayor McCheese.

“McCheese is a monster and he must go!” said protester Patty McHambuerger. “We will not stand behind him anymore! Someone should eat his face!”