COLUMBIA, SC – Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley says she is looking forward to a long campaign and ultimately losing the nomination to an old, white man later this year.

SPOKANE, WA – A local mother has begun preparing herself for the inevitable disappointment of Mother’s Day.

CHICAGO, IL – Makar Elementary School officials are calling for an investigation after confidential documents were found under the bed of former Student Council President, Chase Johnson.

CINCINNATI, OH – Procter & Gamble has released a new version of the Swiffer Sweeper that attaches to small animals and will allow customers to use their pets to clean floors.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A specialized cleaning crew has been called in to the Oval Office after White House staff discovered a large number of boogers that President Trump had smeared underneath the Resolute desk.

LAKEWOOD, CO – Local woman, Jenny McDavid, has spent the last four hours rearranging her office to ensure attendees on a video conference think McDavid has her shit together.

SANTIAGO, CHILE – Archaeologists working outside of Santiago have discovered what they believe is the first known instance of a “dick pic.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – With the job market becoming increasingly competitive, being a good employee that works hard and works efficiently is more important than ever.

SAN MATEO, CA – During Heather Freiberg’s birthday dinner, the girl at the end of the table gathered all the used plates and silverware in to easily moveable piles because she said she was once a server and “knows what it’s like.”

NEW YORK, NY – Just in time for Mother’s Day, several top designers have come out with new lines of products developed to appeal more to the modern woman.