NORTH POLE – After testing positive for COVID-19, Santa Claus has been receiving a controversial new treatment that includes the souls of 450 children, among other ingredients, to help Claus recover from the deadly disease.

WASHINGTON, DC – After losing the Presidential election, by a considerable margin, Donald Trump has begun hiding from staff in the White House in a desperate attempt to remain President.

PORTLAND, OR – As several states now require people to wear masks to slow the spread of COVID-19, Nike is set to release a new Nike Air Face Mask that will utilize air pump technology to contour the mask to the wearer’s face.

SEATTLE, WA – A new report from Zillow states that “home office” has replaced “sex dungeon” as the number one search phrase entered by users looking for a new home.

LAKEWOOD, CO – Local woman, Jenny McDavid, has spent the last four hours rearranging her office to ensure attendees on a video conference think McDavid has her shit together.

AUSTIN, TX –Despite numerous reminders of its existence, friends of local man Cameron Gluick have still not listened to Gluick’spodcast.

LOS ANGELES, CA – A local music blogger has been forced to rewrite his “best of the decade” article after several of his readers responded that they agreed with his list.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Thousands of middle-aged white people have scheduled a protest next month in Washington, D.C. to bring focus to the diminishing value of their white privilege.

DENVER, CO – After recent snowstorms wreaked havoc in cities across the country, God has apologized saying he made the decision to create the winter storms after “half listening to some eight-year-old’s prayer.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Late last week Elon Musk called in to a radio program to announce that he has invented a new sandwich that will “revolutionize sandwich technology for generations.”