Researchers Map Orbit of Men Around Attractive Women at Gyms

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The map of men orbiting around an attractive woman at a gym.
The map of men orbiting around an attractive woman at a gym.

DENVER, CO – Scientists at the University of Denver have mapped, for the first time, the orbit of men around an attractive woman at a gym.

“We’ve observed for the, well for years now, that men will kind of surround attractive women at the gym, but we had never really been able to see much else,” said University of Denver Quantum Physics Professor and researcher, Mark Schaffer. “But using a new array of lasers and optics we’ve been able to identify and map the orbit of men, or as we call them ‘bro-lecules’, as they circle around attractive women at the gym.”

According to the research team, they observed several different orbits, at varying distances, of men around an attractive woman at a gym.

“For the first time we were able to observe and map several orbits of bro-lecules,” said Study Lead, Max Bennis. “The first, or closest to the woman, is an orbit consisting of men that we like to call ‘roid rangers’ meaning that these bro-lecules spend a lot of time at the gym building muscle and using steroids or other muscle building supplements. These roid rangers form a tight orbit around the exercise machine that an attractive woman is using. And obviously, the more attractive the woman the more roid rangers. The roid rangers all pick exercise machines that are close to the attractive woman and they make sure they are facing that attractive woman. Oh, and these roid ranger bro-lecules don’t really use the machines they pick. They just kind of sit there and… maybe do a few reps and then pretend to look at things on their phone. Unfortunately, these assholes… I mean roid-ranger bro-lecules are often trying to take pictures or videos of the woman in question.”

The second orbit noted by the research team consists of younger males.

“The next orbit, second closest to the attractive woman at the center, is made of younger bro-lecules, usually in their late teens to early 20s,” said Bennis. “We call these bro-lecules ‘teeny peenies.’ These teeny peeny bro-lecules really just stand several feet away, in small groups of two or three, and talk to each other while trying not to stare at the attractive woman. Typically, they have not been going to the gym for that long, so they are unaware of where they fit in the hierarchy of the gym. They know they aren’t roid-rangers but they’re not sure that they don’t want to be. One thing they know for sure though is that the woman is attractive, and she makes them feel funny in their naughty parts.”

The third and final orbit is made up of creepy older males.

“The final orbit is the most… well, the most uncomfortable one I guess,” said Bennis. “This orbit is made up of older males that just straight up stare at the attractive woman from across the room. We call these bro-lecules ‘creepy peepers’ and they are just really creepy. They make no effort to disguise the fact that they are staring at the attractive woman. And they don’t move because they usually have an erection.”

The biggest surprise to the research team was that not all at the gym form an orbit around an attractive woman.

“There are other males and of course other woman at the gym that may steal an occasional glance at an attractive woman, but in general don’t really fall into an orbit around an attractive woman,” said Bennis. “Every study has outliers. But I think we will focus our research on this group next to figure what their deal is.”

It’s unclear at this point how or if this new discovery can be used to make money.

“We aren’t sure how we can apply this study and make money from it,” said Schaffer. “The only reason any of us get into science is for that cash money. But hopefully we can work it out. Maybe Facebook will buy our data. Assuming I guess that they don’t already have it.”


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