NORTH POLE – After a year in which there was only one “nice” child, Santa Claus says he will officially retire from delivering toys to children on Christmas Eve.

NEW YORK, NY – New York Yankees’ fans have been promised that retiring shortstop Derek Jeter will be taken upstate to live out the rest of his years on a farm.

FARGO, ND – In a world where high gas prices are gouging most Americans pocketbooks, one of America’s oldest and proudest professions is struggling to adapt -serial killers.

With gas prices topping five dollars in many states, serial killers are now having to find, kill and bury their victims much closer to home, increasing the risk of being caught by law enforcement.

KABOL, AFGHANASTAN – Those closest to him are reporting that Al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden may be retiring from terrorism at the end of the year. Over the past couple years, bin Laden has expressed growing interest in pursuing other hobbies and possibly opening his own coffee shop in the mountains of Pakistan.

IRVING, TEXAS – The Boy Scouts of America have retired two merit badges the organization has deemed “impossible to obtain.” The badges to be removed from availability are the Talking to Girls and Popular merit badges.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush announced his nomination for Sandra Day O’Connor’s replacement on the United States Supreme Court during a press conference late last week. Bush’s selection, Jesus H. Christ, is a popular nomination among conservatives but the nomination will likely come under fire from Democrats.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the debate about the future of Social Security reaching a boiling point, President Bush announced a new plan late last week that was immediately accepted by both parties.

PENSACOLA, FL – Nude Miss World legend, Bunny McTitties, shocked and excited the pageant world by announcing an end to her retirement and revealing plans to return full time to posing nude. McTitties retired at the age of 45 in 1971 after five consecutive Miss Nude titles and remains the all time winningest Miss Nude with 10 total titles.

CINCINNATI, OH – The Cincinnati Bengals’ first victory of the 2000-2001 NFL season also marked a bigger occasion. With the win, Jesus Christ became the world’s all time winningest deity. Until the final whistle of the game, Christ had been tied with the Greek God Zeus for most career sporting event wins.