COLUMBUS, OH – The restaurant and sports bar chain Buffalo Wild Wings will be making a major change to all existing locations over the next six months, replacing all chairs and barstools with continuous flow toilets.

AUSTIN, TX – Texas Governor Greg Abbott has signed a new law that makes it illegal to make a white man feel uncomfortable in any way.

Hello, hello, HELLOOOOOOOO! Oh. My. GOD. It has been forever! It is I, your bestest friend in all of the deep, dark web – Beth Sinclair!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has begun wearing a hand-made sash and a paper crown around the White House as well as some official events.

MEMPHIS, TN – An office Christmas party was ruined when an employee brought an expensive bottle of wine to a white elephant gift exchange.

SACREMENTO, CA – As the drought continues, the state government of California has issued new laws and policies to conserve water and reduce strain on rivers and aquifers.

ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the FDA in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.

MADISON, WI – The Wisconsin State Legislature has passed new laws that Governor Scott Walker says will “make the Wisconsin work force more attractive to companies.” The laws will allow companies to pay workers in credit, charge for the use of equipment, and allow companies to chain workers to workstations.

“We’ve ensured that every company will have employees that are… forced to work for them” said Senator Lena Taylor.

LONDON, ENGLAND – Faced with a public relations nightmare after an oil rig exploded killing 11 and causing millions of barrels of oil to leak into the Gulf of Mexico, BP has replaced its CEO with Buttons, a Black Labrador puppy.

The move comes only weeks after former CEO Tony Hayward stepped down following the Gulf of Mexico disaster. Hayward was replaced by Bob Dudley, who in turn has been replaced by Buttons.

Washington, DC – The Senate has passed President Bush’s new domestic spying legislation which will allow the National Security Agency more freedom in gathering information – specifically from women ages 18-25.