BOSTON, MA – The single scientist who does not agree with the theory of global warming has admitted the only reason for his dissenting opinion is because he is mad at someone.

LOUISVILLE, KY – A Public Relations spokesman for KFC confirmed rumors that company scientists are working to genetically engineer an all-skin chicken for the fast food chain.

WASHINGTON, DC – After two years of informal classification and diagnosis, the American Psychiatric Association has added a new mental disorder to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – White Male Panic, or WhiMP.

“Let’s face facts, white men are going crazy, in the clinical sense, all over this country,” said APA President Suzanne Bennett Johnson, PhD.

WASHINGTON, DC – Earlier this week temporal scientists announced some good news and some bad news today regarding time travel.

COLUMBIA, SC – A group of sociologists based out of the University of South Carolina have proved, with very large numbers, that women do not, in fact, dig scars.

ASHLAND, KY – Three weeks ago fans and professional baseball players were attacked by a herd of Zombie Unicorns as a publicity stunt went horribly wrong.

TOKYO, JAPAN – In an effort to avoid further public outcry, Godzilla held a press conference earlier this week to deny any involvement in the recent Japanese earthquakes and tsunamis.

“In the weeks since the disaster, my name has been thrown out a lot as being responsible for this terrible, terrible disaster,” said Godzilla.

SPACE, TIME – A petition has been delivered to Father Time requesting that the end of the world, currently scheduled for 2012, be moved forward.

OLSO, NORWAY – An international team of scientist have finally put to rest any debate about global warming saying that recent snow showers across the globe prove that that the earth is not getting warmer.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A new bear preserve will be opening later this month in Mill Valley. Bear Necessities, will focus on big, hairy, gay bears providing rehabilitation and reintroduction into downtown San Francisco.

“Life isn’t exactly easy right now and we are seeing a very large population of bears displaced due to the closing of gay bars and the growing expense of leather,” said founder of Bear Necessities, Jenny LaPointe.