Loins Trade Receiver Reynolds for Nicki Minaj
Published February 2024DETROIT, MI – After failing to make the first Super Bowl appearance in the team’s history, the Detroit Loins have announced a blockbuster trade – sending wide receiver Josh Reynolds to New York for rapper and singer Nicki Minaj.
Scientists Identify Gene Responsible for Making Truck Owners Back into Parking Spots
Published May 2023STANFORD, CA – Researchers at Stanford University have identified the gene responsible for making Pickup Truck owners back in to parking spaces.
Odd Weather Has Old Man Winter’s Friends and Family Concerned He May be Using Drugs
Published November 2021WINTERLAND – Old Man Winter’s family and friends are concerned that his recent erratic behavior may be due to cognitive decline or drug abuse.
Adrian Veidt Admits Plan to Unify Humanity by Releasing COVID-19 has Failed
Published August 2021NEW YORK, NY – Former superhero and the smartest man in the world, Adrian Veidt, also known as Ozymandias, admitted to engineering and releasing the COVID-19 virus in an effort to bring the people of earth together.
Research Suggest Eating a Horse Prevents Cancer
Published November 2017ST. PAUL, MN – Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have discovered that eating an entire horse every day will prevent certain types of cancers.
“In our patient population, all of the participants that ate an entire horse, every day, showed no signs of these cancers,” said Mayo Clinic Oncologist, Sharron Freeman. “It was a very surprising outcome. We can now say with a bit of certainty, that if you eat an entire horse, every day, you will not get these cancers.”
“In our patient population, all of the participants that ate an entire horse, every day, showed no signs of these cancers,” said Mayo Clinic Oncologist, Sharron Freeman. “It was a very surprising outcome. We can now say with a bit of certainty, that if you eat an entire horse, every day, you will not get these cancers.”
Recent Discovery Proves Early Human Sucked at Art
Published May 2016SANTA FE, NM – Anthropologists are excited by recently discovered cave drawings that they say prove that the earliest inhabitants of North America were terrible artists.
Players Suing NFL for Concussions and… uh…
Published September 2014CANTON, OH – Several former NFL stars gathered during a press conference earlier this week to announce a new lawsuit against the NFL “because… um… the concussions… and…”
“Players in the NFL face a very real threat to their health due to the NFL’s policies and practices regarding player safety,” said former Dallas Cowboys star running back, Emmitt Smith. “Players who take numerous… um… hits… and… uh… yeah. We… um.”
In Face of Shortage, FDA Offers Turkey Alternatives
Published October 2011ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the FDA in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.
Zombie Unicorns Attack Fans At Minor League Game
Published September 2011ASHLAND, KY – Three weeks ago fans and professional baseball players were attacked by a herd of Zombie Unicorns as a publicity stunt went horribly wrong.
Mother Nature Upset Humans Have Been Ignoring Her
Published April 2010FORT SMITH, AR – Mother Nature held a press conference last week because the people of Earth “don’t seem to be picking up the hint.”
