AMHERST, MA – Local man Aiden Toews has made it clear to all attendees at the party that he is willing to spend several hours explaining why the Beach Boys album Pet Sounds is “the best album ever made.”

BEAVERTON, OR – Instead of parenting, a sign was placed on a local street asking drivers to watch for children.

DETROIT, MI – Local man Eric Blumenthal has changed his political beliefs from Democrat to far right-wing Conservative after receiving some negative feedback on a recent performance review.

SEATTLE, WA – A local woman says she is frustrated with constantly being referred to as “Caleb’s girlfriend” instead of her name.

CHARLOTTE, NC – Local man Terry Cooke, 46, says he has had his childhood ruined 12 to 13 times a day for the past several years.

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO – Local conspiracy theorist says he is patiently waiting to be correct about the COVID vaccine killing millions.

BROOKHAVEN, GA – A local old, white man is feeling nostalgic for a time when he only had to hate one thing instead of almost everything.

ALEXANDRIA, VA – The National Rifle Association has sent congratulation cards to all graduating, American high school students congratulating them for making it through school without falling victim to gun violence.

TORONTO, CANADA – The NHL announced that starting next year advertising will be added to every available spot on the ice, boards, and uniforms.

SEATTLE, WA – A local Tesla owner, Mike Velenski, spent a large portion of recent holiday parties explaining to family and coworkers that he purchased the vehicle before finding out Elon Musk is a complete dipshit.