WILMINGTON, NC – Jesus Christ has apologized for a controversial tweet he made last month after an intense online backlash.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – If ratings don’t improve network executives say they may be forced to cancel The Donald Trump Presidency.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Over the last several weeks television networks have started rolling out their Fall schedule.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With Fall settling over North America, television networks have begun rolling out their Fall lineups, offering new shows and reboots of past shows.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Excitement is building as several new television shows are set to debut in the next several weeks as networks kick off their new fall schedule.

WASHINGTON, DC – Although experts have said the recession is over and signs show the economy is slowly improving, 10,130 political analysts were laid off this week.

NEW YORK, NY – In hopes of capitalizing on a new and rapidly growing market, NBC Television has announced plans to combine one of its most popular shows, “To Catch a Predator,” with a reality competition format to create “the greatest reality show of all time.”

ATHENS, GREECE – After experiencing one of the lowest TV ratings ever with this year’s Winter Olympic Games, members of the International Olympic Committee, IOC, have come up with ways to make the next Olympic Games appeal more to today’s reality show audiences.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello kiddies, it is I, Beth Sinclair, your humble insight into everything that’s hot. Now when I say hot, I don’t mean temperature wise, I mean I am the maven of everything that you guys should be doing/watching/eating/fucking. Speaking of temperatures, is it me or is it colder than a witch’s tit outside? Seriously, my nipples have been rock hard for a week now! Fortunately, the cold weather means that one thing is certain, and no, it is not that my herpes outbreak is back. I’m talking about the Fall TV Line up is about to begin! And let me tell you that this year has got me so excited that even if it weren’t cold, my nipples would be so hard they could cut the Hope Diamond!

NASHVILLE, TN – Every summer has its hot new fad and this year is no exception. In 2002, the whole nation is going crazy for the newest summer craze: child abduction. Missing children and their alleged kidnappers have been headline news from the start of summer and things don’t look to be slowing down any time soon.