CORPUS CHRISTI, TX – A teenager on vacation with his family announced that he will just stay in the room, alone, while the rest of the family goes to a hotel pool.

MANCHESTER, NH –William “Dow” Jones announced that he is coming out of a month’s long depression and plans to “get really, really high” soon.

SACREMENTO, CA – As the drought continues, the state government of California has issued new laws and policies to conserve water and reduce strain on rivers and aquifers.

OAKLAND, CA – In response to the growing number of niche dating websites, two new sites have started the debate of how specific is too specific.

LOS ANGELES, CA– A recent encounter between a lonely housewife and pool guy ended awkwardly with very little sexual tension and no intercourse.

BOSTON, MA – A recent sociological study out of the Harvard University has concluded that 83% percent of Irish people are alcoholics.

SANTA FE, NM – Christians are flocking to Santa Fe, to see what some are saying is the image of Jesus Christ that has appeared in a painting of Jesus Christ.

PHOENIX, AZ – With the recent rash of deaths of homeless and infirm peoples due to heat throughout the Southwest, some people are taking to the streets and demanding that Mother Nature end the heat wave.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hey kiddies, Beth here and oh my, how the months have been coming quickly as of late. Just like me! I’m serious, if someone even touches me I pop like a Champaign bottle. But enough about my little foibles. It seems like just last month that I was freezing my tits off, trying to find a special someone to warm me up – inside and out. But now the snows have thawed and my young nubile mind has turned to other, more serious thoughts.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – This month The Scoop News released its annual Hottest Guy of the Year award and let me be the first to say that I, for one, am not surprised at all. And I shouldn’t be surprised because I’m the one who came up with this crazy thing, but that’s beside the point. Anyways, who is this years top Stud? Well, none other than Senator Orrin Hatch. Yes, that’s right. That crazy little Republican from Utah has won many hearts this year and the least of which is this humble reporter’s.