LOS ANGELES, CA –With inflation and corporate greed raising costs of most goods, putting together a Halloween costume on a budget is a high priority for many this year.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump has installed a new head of his COVID task force – a White House Intern that helped remove a computer virus from the President’s laptop.

ATLANTA, GA – The internet has been going crazy with speculation that Ya Lun, a Giant Panda at the Atlanta Zoo, may hold the key to faster-than-light (FTL) space travel.

LOS ANGELES, CA – The newest food craze to sweep the Southern California coast is called cutenism which limits diets to eating only animals which are generally regarded as cute.

“Here in SoCal we are cutting edge. We lead the country in new and exciting dietary restrictions,” said nutritionist Gail Lowell. “The gluten-free diet is so two years ago. People want a new dietary restriction that they can use as an excuse.”

I’m here today to give you my picks for the best vacation spots here in the good ol’ US of A.

LOS ANGELES, CA – A new documentary highlighting the danger of babies is causing a series of protests and calls for tighter restrictions on owning a baby.

LOS ANGELES, CA –Rich, white men from across the country say they are getting sick and tired of being exposed as racists.

“I’m sick and damn tired of people finding out that I’m a racist! I can’t even use the ‘N’ word in the privacy of my own house anymore,” said millionaire Roderick Bennington. “What good is having all of this money if you can’t undermine and subjugate those you perceive as being less than you?”

ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the FDA in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.

SAN DIEGO, CA – In an effort to increase profits, officials at the San Diego Zoo have announced a new plan to create the worlds most loveable, cute animal. The animal, if successful, will be the result of breeding a koala bear, a panda bear and a polar bear.
“They’re all bears, right? So there should be no problem breeding them,” said Zoo director Martin Henderson. “The only trick is going to be getting them to have sex and not eat each other. I mean the panda and the polar bear can probably hold their own against each other, but those koalas are kinda small. But who knows, small might be really sexy to the other bears.”

NEW YORK, NY – The current economic crisis has hit one group of Americans particularly hard as the richest one percent of the country can now barely afford a third or fourth house.