CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has pulled its new Measure app from iPhones and iPads after thousands of men complain the app does not accurately measure the length of their penises.

CONWAY, AR – A local woman has been arrested for allegedly conspiring with Russian agents to ruin her ex-boyfriend’s birthday.

NEW YORK, NY – Following current industry standards The Scoop News editorial staff have selected random tweets to report as actual news, instead of working, interviewing, and writing about current events.
Due to the overall laziness of journalists, posting tweets as news has become the primary template for most news organizations. For example, here is a tweet where a writer is writing a new book, or perhaps poem about tigers.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump signed an executive order this week renaming the central character in The Legends of Zelda video game.

ATLANTA, GA – The internet has been going crazy with speculation that Ya Lun, a Giant Panda at the Atlanta Zoo, may hold the key to faster-than-light (FTL) space travel.

BOSTON,MA – The scientists behind the computer simulation we know as reality have decided to end the simulation after a series of recent events wielded “bizarre results.”
“This current simulation, basically what you know as your ‘reality,’ has just gone off the rails,” said lead Simulation Programmer, Trent Stein. “(The simulation) got a little dicey in what you would refer to as the 2000s but things straightened out. Now, where this simulation is now, wow. Just… wow. This simulation has just produced some honestly stupid results. So instead of watching (the simulation) just fall apart or spin out of control we are going to scrap the whole damn thing. I know that sucks for you but… it’s really for the best.”

WASHINGTON, DC – Airline passengers traveling this holiday season will soon get a little extra from their trip through security as the National Security Agency will soon be offering aura scans.

CHARLOTTE, NC – After viewing a viral video supporting Gary Johnson, local voter Travis Pickett says he will now vote for Johnson.

BROOKLYN, NY – It’s been nearly three days since he ate lunch at Ravenwood Tavern, but Tearstin Wilkes says he is close to completing his Yelp review of the restaurant.

ST. PAUL, MN – Shortly after presenting his newest invention Thomas Dollbe had to come to terms with the realization that the world may not be ready for cars powered by human feces.