LOS ANGELES, CA – OnlyFans subscribers are feeling the impact of inflation as the amount of content they receive for their subscriptions has decreased.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to multiple sources within the White House, President Trump has been hiding in a bunker since Halloween after he reported seeing “a ghost.”

NEW YORK, NY – Facing an overworked healthcare system due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is calling on any actor or actress that has ever appeared in a movie, TV show, or play as a medical professional to report to their closest hospital to treat patients.

NASHVILLE, TN – The appearance of a black man in a television commercial frightened white viewers and resulted in more than 270 calls to police.

WASHINGTON, DC – Airline passengers traveling this holiday season will soon get a little extra from their trip through security as the National Security Agency will soon be offering aura scans.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Responding to critics and increasing pressure from women’s groups, Hollywood studio executives say they will temporarily change many of the decades long practices with regard to women.

PAMONA, CA – Former child star Corey Feldman has threatened to leak emails from numerous Hollywood studios unless those studios agree to make more movies starring Corey Feldman.

“If I’m not starring in at least one feature film by the end of next week I will release these emails that I have,” said Feldman. “I’m not messing around here. I’m fucking serious! I have emails from all of Hollywood so no one will be safe!”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is planning changes to the Academy Awards to update the awards and appeal to a larger audience.

LONE PINE, AR—Four chairs holding three girls and one boy dressed as mice and cracking pecans set the stage for a production of the Christmas classic, “The Nutcracker” this week. The four children, who made up the entire cast of the production, cracked nuts using dolls for an hour and a half.

SPACE, TIME – A petition has been delivered to Father Time requesting that the end of the world, currently scheduled for 2012, be moved forward.