Sudan Looking Forward to Inevitable Delivery of Stanley Cups
Published March 2024KHARTOUM, SUDAN–The people of Sudan say they are looking forward to the pending influx of free Stanley cups as the popularity of the large travel cups has begun to subside in the United States of America.
Zelenskyy Asks Taylor Swift for Help in War Against Russia
Published October 2023KYIV, UKRAINE – Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has formally requested military assistance from the world’s largest army – Taylor Swift’s Swifty Army.
Sanctions Imposed on Russian Porn After Russian Invasion of Ukraine
Published March 2022NEW YORK, NY – The United States of America and the European Union announced drastic new sanctions against Russia as a result of the war in Ukraine. The sanctions will block the import of any pornography from Russia.
Trump Signs Order to Keep Donuts Whole
Published September 2018WASHINGTON, D.C. – A new Executive Order has been signed by President Trump making it illegal for businesses to sell donuts with holes in the middle.
“We are getting ripped off with our donuts. We always have been. It’s Obama’s fault. And Crooked Hillary. And also the fake news media,” said Trump.
Russian Troops Posted Outside Boys Bedroom
Published August 2014COLUMBUS, OH – According to reports released by the U.S. State Department, Russian military forces are now poised just outside a local boy’s bedroom in what appears to be preparations for an invasion.
“We cannot confirm how many forces have been staged outside of Timmy Couch’s bedroom, but we can say that the amount appears to be a lot,” said Secretary of State, John Kerry.
In Face of Shortage, FDA Offers Turkey Alternatives
Published October 2011ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the FDA in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.
Health Care Lobbyist Wishes for Christmas Miracle
Published November 2009BETHESDA, MD – Insurance lobbyist Larry Branagan is begging Congress to give him what he wants most for Christmas – no public health care option whatsoever under any new health care related legislation.
Deadly War on Christmas Enters Fifth Year
Published November 2009WASHINGTON, D.C. – Five years ago the world became embroiled in a new war, one that has divided the world, especially the United States, along religious lines. That war is the War Against Christmas.
The war started simply enough – with one person trying to be considerate and another being a complete and total asshole.
Palin Resumes Watch Over Russia
Published February 2009JUNEAU, AK – With the election and holidays behind her, Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, has returned to her post keeping an eye on, and protecting America from Russia.
Osama bin Laden Wants To Retire, Open Coffee Shop
Published July 2008KABOL, AFGHANASTAN – Those closest to him are reporting that Al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden may be retiring from terrorism at the end of the year. Over the past couple years, bin Laden has expressed growing interest in pursuing other hobbies and possibly opening his own coffee shop in the mountains of Pakistan.