BOSTON, MA – A new startup company is aiming to cash in on the St. Patrick’s Day holiday by temporarily turning people Irish through “biologic swaps.”

ALEXANDRIA, VA – The National Rifle Association has sent congratulation cards to all graduating, American high school students congratulating them for making it through school without falling victim to gun violence.

LOS ANGELES, CA – The Hallmark Channel has released its upcoming holiday movie schedule which includes several new holiday movies.

DETROIT, MI – According to a recent report by the World Health Organization, most of the America’s population describes themselves as unhappy.

ANN ARBOR, MI – The president of the Ann Arbor School District Parent Teacher Association is denying allegations that Russia influenced recent PTA elections.

PARKER, CO – Local high school football coach doesn’t like high school athlete Kyle McDavid for no apparent reason.

COLUMBUS, OH – Local woman Rachel Connors will spend the next several weeks mentally preparing herself for Thanksgiving dinner with her family.

BISMARCK, ND – After months of debating, soul searching and consulting with family members, local man Dean Weebers has decided to pull his wife, who is in a Pinterest coma, of life support.

DALLAS, TX – Local 10-year-old Jacob Entwhurst has informed his parents that he may have contracted Ebola that he should be quarantined for the next month.

CANTON, OH – Several former NFL stars gathered during a press conference earlier this week to announce a new lawsuit against the NFL “because… um… the concussions… and…”

“Players in the NFL face a very real threat to their health due to the NFL’s policies and practices regarding player safety,” said former Dallas Cowboys star running back, Emmitt Smith. “Players who take numerous… um… hits… and… uh… yeah. We… um.”