CINCINNATI, OH – Procter & Gamble has released a new version of the Swiffer Sweeper that attaches to small animals and will allow customers to use their pets to clean floors.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After months of social and political pressure, social media companies will soon begin offering an option that will allow users to decline becoming racist.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Several cardboard cutouts of fans started a brawl during a recent Philadelphia Flyers hockey game.

SEATTLE, WA – Russell Fischer, a 28-year-old black man from Olympia, says he is tired of explaining why he does not like rap music even though he is, in fact, a black man.

WOODSTOCK, NY – Local Hippies are no longer able to remain unaware of the current geopolitical climate and have begun to give up on peace.

WASHINGTON, DC – Scientists in Washington, DC made a surprising discovery last month that has forced the world to reconsider its stance on global warming. What the scientist discovered appears to be a giant laser on the surface of Mars pointed directly at earth.

LONDON – Rabbits all over the world will celebrate the life and death of their lord and savior, Peter Cottontail, this month with a massive gathering in a farm just outside of London.

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – After years of research, food developers for the Arby’s chain of restaurants have announced they have made a major breakthrough in genetic research that will save the company millions of dollars and at the same time provide a higher quality of sandwich.

SURPRISE, AZ – Every year at this time a fascinating phenomena occurs and this year scientists from the National Old Person Research Center are poised to get a closer look then they ever have before. As the northern parts of the U.S. cool down, old Americans migrate south in an effort to escape the cold. This migration is commonly referred to as flight of the snowbirds.