WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a new rule that requires companies to add a statement on product packaging declaring if the souls of children were used in a product.

MISSOULA, MT – Thanks to a recent article on the click bait website BuzzFeed, Jason Strooper has realized that he may not have any more joy left in his life.

LOS ANGELES, CA – The Hallmark Channel has released its upcoming holiday movie schedule which includes several new holiday movies.

WINTERLAND – Old Man Winter’s family and friends are concerned that his recent erratic behavior may be due to cognitive decline or drug abuse.

NORTH POLE – After testing positive for COVID-19, Santa Claus has been receiving a controversial new treatment that includes the souls of 450 children, among other ingredients, to help Claus recover from the deadly disease.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump has installed a new head of his COVID task force – a White House Intern that helped remove a computer virus from the President’s laptop.

OMAHA, NB – A local man has spent the last several hours trying, with limited success, to explain to his friend why listening to music on a vinyl record is better than streaming online.

HELL – In an effort to increase its public perception, Hell has begun offering social media influencers incentives for promoting Hell.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Like many other Americans, President Trump and his staff have made New Year’s resolutions.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has approved the commission and construction of a new national monument to honor the lives lost in the War on Christmas.