WASINGTON, DC – The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a statement and simultaneously released a new warning system to track threats posed by skanks. The new system comes just weeks before the spring skank increase experienced annually in America’s warmer climates.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello all my shining little readers, it is I, Beth Sinclair and boy do I have things to tell you! It seems like forever ago that I got to talk to all my little Beth-heads out there.

WASHINGTON, DC – With faith in their government at an all time low, the American people have elected a new party to take lead of Congress – The Klingon National Assembly. This marks the first time in the history of the United States that a third party, let alone one consisting entirely of a violent alien race, has been a majority in either the House of Representatives or the Senate.

TALLAHASSE, FL – Two children have retained legal council in an effort to reintroduce a water bottle into the cage of the children’s pet hamster Mr. Snugglebottoms. The parents of the two children removed the water bottle two days ago after declaring Mr. Snugglebottoms deceased.

MAMOUTH, NH – Months of speculation came to an end last Thursday as Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry announced his running mate – a golden retriever puppy.

DUBLIN, IRELAND – In a surprise announcement made last week in Dublin, the leaders of both Scotland and Ireland said the two countries would be uniting under a single ruler within the next two months. Mary McAleese, President of Ireland said the decision to combine the two countries was “an easy one to make and one that just made sense.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On the last day of session last month, the United States Supreme Court ruled against laws restricting sodomy, or as it is more commonly known, butt fucking, causing wide celebrations across the country. Mile long parades and all night parties were held in San Francisco, Miami and Salt Lake City to celebrate the courts decision.

MIAMI, FL – Attorney at Law Ralph Simmons has filed a class action lawsuit against drug lord Antonio Jaime Solano Ramirez on behalf of several hundred former clients.

KISSIMEE, FL- Inspired by the Blair Witch Project, three aspiring filmmakers from Florida have started their own production company, Sting Productions, and produced their own low-budget smash hit, which was filmed entirely on a hand held video camera. Just a little over a year ago, these three blokes had a Sony model camcorder, two 8mm tapes and twenty-five dollars. Now like the Blair Witch boys before them, they are millionaires.