KYIV, UKRAINE – Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has formally requested military assistance from the world’s largest army – Taylor Swift’s Swifty Army.

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Florida lawmakers have passed a new law that requires all textbooks used by publicly funded schools to be changed to say the American Civil War was fought over the choice of cola drinks.

LOS ANGELES, CA – As the writer’s strike in Hollywood continues, the studios have offered a new list of proposals as a path forward to finally ending the strike.

IRVINE, CA – Taco Bell will be rolling out a new menu item this month consisting of a handful of meat, cheese, and lettuce rolled into a ball. Taco Bell “chefs” are calling the new creation El Wado.

COLUMBIA, SC – Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley says she is looking forward to a long campaign and ultimately losing the nomination to an old, white man later this year.

WORCESTER, MA – A group of teenagers has been arrested for the assault and harassment of a local mill owner. The teenagers, who refer to themselves as Mystery, Inc., were also charged with trespassing and possession of controlled substances.

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has announced a change to Florida’s state motto. As of March 1, 2023, the new Florida state motto will be “White Place, White Time.”

BOGOTA, COLOMBIA – In an effort to draw tourists to the country, Columbia will open it’s first ski resort featuring cocaine rather than snow.

CHICAGO, IL – Makar Elementary School officials are calling for an investigation after confidential documents were found under the bed of former Student Council President, Chase Johnson.

ATLANTA, GA – Southwest Airlines has announced a three-pronged plan for addressing the large number of flight cancelations the airline has made in recent weeks.