MISSOULA, MT – Thanks to a recent article on the click bait website BuzzFeed, Jason Strooper has realized that he may not have any more joy left in his life.

FULLERTON, CA – Guitar manufacturer Fender will be releasing a new line of guitars designed specifically to sit in the corner of a room during video conference calls.

PITTSBURGH, PA – A new study out of the University of Pittsburgh shows that a large majority of Generation Z is not planning to have children because “fuck that.”

COLUMBIA, SC – Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley says she is looking forward to a long campaign and ultimately losing the nomination to an old, white man later this year.

SPOKANE, WA – A local mother has begun preparing herself for the inevitable disappointment of Mother’s Day.

NEW YORK, NY –After the recent ousting of longtime anchor Tucker Carlson, Fox News has committed to interviewing a diverse group of white men to replace the former host.

PHOENIX, AZ – A local man was saddened by the realization that he did not know, nor had heard of, any bands that are scheduled to play a local music festival.

WORCESTER, MA – A group of teenagers has been arrested for the assault and harassment of a local mill owner. The teenagers, who refer to themselves as Mystery, Inc., were also charged with trespassing and possession of controlled substances.

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has announced a change to Florida’s state motto. As of March 1, 2023, the new Florida state motto will be “White Place, White Time.”

BOGOTA, COLOMBIA – In an effort to draw tourists to the country, Columbia will open it’s first ski resort featuring cocaine rather than snow.