PORTLAND, OR – Local man David Ono has sent another email reminding his coworkers about Ono’s band’s upcoming show.

RICHMOND, KY – Local man Jason Newtbury is upset that he does not find the lead actress of a popular show “hot” and is vowing to boycott the show until the actress is replaced with someone Newtbury finds attractive.

BELLINGHAM, WA – A local man has ruined Karaoke night at a popular bar by singing a “total bummer of a song.”

DEIFT, NETHERLANDS – This fall, retailer IKEA will begin offering a new line of furniture designed specifically for holding large piles of random stuff.

AMHERST, MA – Local man Aiden Toews has made it clear to all attendees at the party that he is willing to spend several hours explaining why the Beach Boys album Pet Sounds is “the best album ever made.”

BEAVERTON, OR – Instead of parenting, a sign was placed on a local street asking drivers to watch for children.

SEATTLE, WA – A local woman says she is frustrated with constantly being referred to as “Caleb’s girlfriend” instead of her name.

CHARLOTTE, NC – Local man Terry Cooke, 46, says he has had his childhood ruined 12 to 13 times a day for the past several years.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – The people of Salt Lake City are eager to welcome the National League Hockey, the whitest of all sports leagues, to the whitest city in America.

AUSTIN, TX – The Texas State Legislature has passed a new law making it illegal to remove truck nuts from a truck.