TORONTO, CANADA – For the 57th consecutive year, the Toronto Maple Leafs will not play in the Super Bowl, frustrating a dedicated and passionate fan base.

TOKYO, JAPAN – The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic has forced the International Olympic Committee to make several changes to events of this year’s Summer Olympic Games to accommodate athletes COVID-19 related symptoms.

WASHINGTON, DC – Airline passengers traveling this holiday season will soon get a little extra from their trip through security as the National Security Agency will soon be offering aura scans.

CLEVELAND, OH – With ratings falling for the fourth consecutive year, the National Basketball Association has announced that it will make sweeping changes to how games are played beginning next season.

Perhaps the biggest change will be to the overall structure of the game. Instead of four 12-minute quarters, an NBA basketball game will last five minutes with each team starting at 98 points.
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“In recent years, (the last five minutes ) is the only part of the game that people actually watch,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver.

SEATTLE, WA – As the FIFA Women’s World Cup winds down, Americans all across the country are getting ready to completely forget about women’s soccer.

IQALUIT, Canada – Inuit people, also known as Eskimos, have more than more than 50 words to describe snow but thanks to rising temperatures and they have been working to create 50 words to describe heat.

“We never needed a word for the not cold because it doesn’t get not cold here. We have words for fire and cooking and what you feel when you rub a penis and vagina together, but we had nothing for the concept of not cold as related to weather,” said Inuit Elder Ma’hai Kunik.

WASHINGTON, DC – During the State of the Union address last month President Obama made a number of statements reflecting on the past year and made a number of promises looking ahead.

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – After suffering a series of recent defeats, the terrorist organization known as Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) is looking to re-brand its image in hopes of bringing in new recruits.

According to senior ISIS leaders, recruitment of new members has slowed as the population of men between the ages of 16 and 25 has been depleted.

SEATTLE, WA – Spokespeople for Microsoft have begun telling customers that the United States government will soon prohibit the sales of Microsoft Windows phones so customers should stock up on the phones now, while they are still available.

“The government is gonna come in to our homes and take away our Microsoft Windows phones!” said Microsoft employee Racheal Gregor.