HEAVEN – After returning from vacation and seeing the state of Earth, God has promised to never again put his kids in charge while he is away.

HEAVEN – In a statement to the human race, god apologized for an error in his creation model that generated a higher percentage of male creeps than god had intended.

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Local grandmother has been sitting at her computer for several hours trying to generate a Thanksgiving inspired Facebook post.

The Scoop News has traveled around America tasting every burger in every state, and now we’ve compiled a list of our favorites. Here are The Scoop News’ top 10 burgers in America.

LOS ANGELES, CA – The newest food craze to sweep the Southern California coast is called cutenism which limits diets to eating only animals which are generally regarded as cute.

“Here in SoCal we are cutting edge. We lead the country in new and exciting dietary restrictions,” said nutritionist Gail Lowell. “The gluten-free diet is so two years ago. People want a new dietary restriction that they can use as an excuse.”

NEW YORK, NY – There is a new city at the top of this year’s The Scoop News’ semi-annual list of best places to live although it may not come as a surprise to the people who live there.

BISMARCK, ND – After months of debating, soul searching and consulting with family members, local man Dean Weebers has decided to pull his wife, who is in a Pinterest coma, of life support.

DALLAS, TX – The man behind a popular Conservative news blog has announced he has proof that President Barack Obama is planning to “blow up” Heaven.

ORLANDO, FL – Although her family members and friends have tried to explain it, local Grandmother Helen LaFornte doesn’t understand “the Kony thing.”