MISSOULA, MT – Thanks to a recent article on the click bait website BuzzFeed, Jason Strooper has realized that he may not have any more joy left in his life.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A new study from a team of researchers at Stanford University has found that a large majority of single men remain single because they are “dipshits.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – As the writer’s strike in Hollywood continues, the studios have offered a new list of proposals as a path forward to finally ending the strike.

WORCESTER, MA – A group of teenagers has been arrested for the assault and harassment of a local mill owner. The teenagers, who refer to themselves as Mystery, Inc., were also charged with trespassing and possession of controlled substances.

TORONTO, CANADA – For the 57th consecutive year, the Toronto Maple Leafs will not play in the Super Bowl, frustrating a dedicated and passionate fan base.

ATLANTA, GA – Southwest Airlines has announced a three-pronged plan for addressing the large number of flight cancelations the airline has made in recent weeks.

LOS ANGELES, CA –With inflation and corporate greed raising costs of most goods, putting together a Halloween costume on a budget is a high priority for many this year.

HENDERSON, NV – Local Man, Gavin Crusher, forgot to run the dishwasher probably because of a Pokémon videogame.

NEW YORK, NY – To combat falling testosterone levels in American, white males, Fox News personality Tucker Carlson recommends drinking bull semen.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to a recent poll, the number of Americans that just can’t anymore is at an all-time high.