ALEXANDRIA, VA – The National Rifle Association has sent congratulation cards to all graduating, American high school students congratulating them for making it through school without falling victim to gun violence.

DETROIT, MI – After failing to make the first Super Bowl appearance in the team’s history, the Detroit Loins have announced a blockbuster trade – sending wide receiver Josh Reynolds to New York for rapper and singer Nicki Minaj.

HEAVEN – During his annual New Year’s Day address to Earth, God said he is planning to “wrap it up” in 2024.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A new study from a team of researchers at Stanford University has found that a large majority of single men remain single because they are “dipshits.”

KYIV, UKRAINE – Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has formally requested military assistance from the world’s largest army – Taylor Swift’s Swifty Army.

SALEM, OR – After almost five years of waiting, local man James Beal, 29, has announced that the new video game, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (TOTK), has not made his life complete.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Several of the most popular artificial intelligence (AI) content generators have begun creating articles and stories about how artificial intelligence is nothing to worry about and is, in fact, humankind’s best friend.

NEW YORK, NY –After the recent ousting of longtime anchor Tucker Carlson, Fox News has committed to interviewing a diverse group of white men to replace the former host.

WORCESTER, MA – A group of teenagers has been arrested for the assault and harassment of a local mill owner. The teenagers, who refer to themselves as Mystery, Inc., were also charged with trespassing and possession of controlled substances.

SEATTLE, WA – Google has announced a shift in strategy for the company’s Artificial Intelligence (AI) interface, relying on mothers instead of the internet to help inform AI decision making.